You are not alone and it does get better.
Two moms are here to tell you how it’s been for us.
The awesome Kelly Pietrangeli from My Project Me weighs in with her perspective as a mom of two boys:
I always knew I’d have a boy and a girl. I have one brother. My husband has one sister. Pregnant with my first baby I knew it was a boy before I even had my scan. Pregnant the second time I was sure it was a girl. At my scan they said it was a girl. I called my mom, we told everyone. During my pregnancy I have sciatic back pain and when to see an osteopath. After my treatment he asked me if I’d like to know if it was a boy or a girl. He explained that he could hold a disc over my bump and if it span in a certain direction he could know which sex it was. Sure I said. He did it and then said confidently that it was a boy. I told him at that point that I’d already had a scan and knew it was a girl. He was visibly shocked and said he’d never been wrong. Ever. It made me wonder…
So at my next scan I asked again.. And they said it was a boy! I was so shocked! I felt terrible that instead of just feeling grateful for a healthy baby, I was actually gutted. I cried for two days.
I was crying to my midwife during a check up and she told me I was grieving for the daughter I thought I was having.
I kept thinking about all of the things I’d saved for my daughter: my favourite doll, my favourite little house on the prairie books, my barbie collection, my sweet 16 pendant, my cheerleading uniform and Pom poms.
I never wanted more than two children so I didn’t have that consolation that I could just try again.
And then, I don’t know. I just kind of pulled myself together. I told myself that there was no point in arguing with reality. I just decided to shift gears in my thinking and feel grateful (other people find out worse things during their scans and I just felt so grateful that my baby was healthy). From that day onwards I was absolutely ok about it! I’m not sure how I was able to snap out of it like that on my own, but I am a total believer in mind over matter. Our thoughts create our reality. I’m blessed. I’m immensely grateful.
I now have two gorgeous nieces and I’m going to get my treasured childhood things and give them to them.
I 100% love both of my boys equally. As I type this they are having a wrestling match on my bed and laughing their heads off! They are super great friends. They are teen and tween now and I hear from my friends with teen daughters what they’re going through. I was a nightmare myself!
And I know a family who have 5 boys and still don’t have a girl, so I’m happy I didn’t feel that strongly about it – ha ha!
I really think anyone struggling to accept reality are setting themselves up for a needlessly rough ride. We are parents to the children we are gifted with and just need to love them unconditionally.
And Deb Blum, the founder of the Thriving Family Academy shares her experience:
I have 2 boys – two freakin’ amazing awesome boys. I have pretty much no sadness about never having a daughter anymore.
But 10 years ago that wasn’t the case. I was sad. I was disappointed. I did’t feel sad when I found out my new little peanuts were boys, but that is only because I held onto hope that I would have another baby and perhaps that one would be a girl. I am grateful that I was super excited for both kids and never wanted THEM to be a girl. But I was super sad when I couldn’t convince my husband to try again. I was soo sad. I wanted another and I wanted a girl. I also resented my husband for not wanting to try again. I suspect I might have felt similar to how you feel or felt.
Fast forward to now – I have 10 and 12 year old boys.
OMG it’s the best. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Okay, so to be completely honest, when I think into the future, I suppose there are moments when I’m sad not to have the daughter who I will have such a close relationship with (perhaps), or that will live close by (probably not), and who will care about me as I get older (who knows?). I imagine that there is a chance that my boys will be closer to “the wife’s” family and that’s a bummer too. But the truth is, I can only be the best mom and create the best connection with them that I can and the rest will sort itself out. One thing I have learned is that no matter what my fantasies or fears are about the future, I have very little control over other people. So, even if I had a daughter, it’s quite likely my fantasy of what it would have been like, would never come to fruition…I’m guessing she would be interested in creating her own life, not the one I want for her ;).
So, why do I think having only one gender, and especially two boys is the best? (and yes, of course it’s a rationalization and I would LOVE whoever I had!):
- They hang together and have overlapping interests
- We can do more things as a family and not have to divide and conquer (e.g. one goes to dance and the other goes to swim lessons) – we still do divide and conquer, just seemingly less than mixed gender families (including my family of origin)
- My pre-teen boys still adore me and cuddle me (not so much for my friends with girls)
- Their needs are simpler (food, homework help, sports equipment, driving around) so I have a little more freedom – we just don’t have as much drama and heightened emotions (some-yes, but not like what I am seeing with the girls of the same age)
- OMG they make me crack up – okay, yea, so I have had to learn to appreciate inappropriate humor and potty talk (but truly, if you can lighten up, it can be pretty hilarious). And sometimes they take it too far, but we laugh so hard that our stomach’s hurt
- And, personally, I would ALWAYS take a little league game over a ballet but that’s just me.
I read this article and it was SPOT ON for me. I shared it with my MANY MANY friends who have 2 boys and it resonated with them too. Perhaps you will see yourself in this now and then in the future. When you read that article, can you see anything in there that helps you see where having boys only might be perfect for you and your nature?
While I could never know this for sure, I suspect I am a better mom in some ways because I get to “specialize” lol – I get to know “boys” as a gender better and I am forced to learn how to relate to them. I am more appreciative of my husband as well – it’s like I “get” why he’s the way he is 😉 instead of comparing the boys with the girls and always wondering why boys can be “more like” girls lol.
The truth is, for me, I realize that I do like to be alone. I love to work on my business (it’s my passion). I love the other parts of my life like spending time with friends, reading, learning, and just puttering around. When I was a SAHM for 9 years I was COMPLETELY focused on my kids (to the exclusion of “me” and my marriage – which was not such a great plan), but now that they are older, I have a life outside of being a mom – I take care of myself, my marriage, and pursue my passions. My sons want to golf, hang in the garage, work on projects, throw the baseball, or throw the football with dad or with friends. So I get some time to myself and the kids are happy. Seems like a perfect match.
I think my time alone enhances the time we spend together. I love the muddy bike rides, skiing, baseball games, and watching them grow into young men. I even love learning about why they love shooter video games and Instagram. And I’m still the one with them getting them to school, picking up, doing the after school thang (homework, taxi service, snacks, etc)) and I love that too. We spend a lot of time together. They have taught me to love activities (frisbee, baseball, jumping on the trampoline, and guitar hero are just some examples) I would have never imagined enjoying before kids.
And I take my responsibility very seriously – I know it’s important to raise boys who treat women well, who know how to be a good husband, who work hard and contribute to the world, who are kind and loving people, who feel good about themselves and live a life true to themselves, who live in integrity, etc. So I am not saying that because I have boys and I want my “own time” that I can shirk my responsibilities.
As I write this, I realize that I guess I just want you to consider the upside to only having boys – there are SOOOOOO many, if you can get beyond the disappointment of not having a daughter.
Here are a couple more articles I enjoyed:
What I don’t want to see happen to you though is that you don’t bond with and attune to your kids because you are “fantasizing about” what your life would be like with a daughter or wishing it was different. If you have a new little baby, it’s probably a good time to get a little help and support around this. And there is always the possibility that you have a little postpartum depression, just something to consider. If you are emotionally distracted and sad (even if you are physically there doing everything for your kids and meeting their physical needs and pretending to be emotionally present), your kids will feel it and it will interfere with bonding and emotional connection. I believe that when boys (and girls) don’t establish that connection when they are babies it sometimes results in more behavioral and emotional stuff as they get older and that can just ADD to your sense that you wish your life had been different (aka had daughters). This time with your boys is super important. There are no wrong feelings, so I am totally not saying it’s not normal or okay to feel this way. I am just strongly encouraging you take your feelings seriously and to continue to address it. Your son(s) will be so grateful if you can face this head on and heal so you can move on and start to realize the awesomeness of boys!
Pardon the “God” reference below in my very secular post, but it’s a good one to remember:
Serenity Prayer (the long version – I esp like the first 7 lines)
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Love yourself through this. There is a part of you that is disappointed – don’t shove it down, feel through it and get the help you need. It’s not about sucking it up, but it IS about reconciling where you are in your life and “loving what is.”